I believe.... OK, no redneck jokes today ;-P
It's 6:30 in the morning and I am at work finishing up on some data for a white paper that one of my co-workers will present for me while I am out on Tuesday getting started on my healing.
Yesterday, I went out to the Albuquerque Isotopes game with my co-workers, although I think the entire plant was at the game... We got beat BAD... It was painful to watch. When the highlight of the game is watching the manager get into a shouting match with one of the umpires for 5 minues, you can figure how bad it was... (Yup, we were cheering on the manager... It was funny!) After the game, one of my friends from work stuck around and we talked for a little bit about all that has been going on in my life and where I am at right now.
After our chat, I was driving home. I mulled over many of the things we talked about and realized how much I have grown over the last few years and how much in my life has changed. I have gone from being a very angry young woman to realizing that I am blessed beyond all belief. I have gone from feeling lower than dirt and thinking I was not worthy to finding that I am a gifted woman who can and does help others to heal not only outwardly but inner wounds also. I have gone from thinking that "I don't deserve any success, someday everyone will find out I am a fake" to thinking "What can I do to help the people in my life, the people on the periphary and the people that I don't like very much." I never realized what I have taken for granted after the hard work I have done the last few years and that I have finally got a self-esteem and those old tapes that used to play in my head about "how bad I was" don't play anymore.
Now, what does this have to do with the price of tea in China? Well, this whole situation started from a getting that phone call a few weeks ago. I am a believer in both Eastern and Western medicine. I believe to heal a problem you not only need medical procedures (Western) but you also need to heal what caused the problem in the first place (Eastern). This is a fourth chakra issue, having to do with the heart. It hit me like a ton of bricks on Tuesday. I had buried this issue very deep inside of me and minimized it so I wouldn't continue to feel that hurt. I cried for 3 days over it. I felt the pain of what happened and the anger over it. There was no way I felt ready to forgive the parties who were responsible for what happened and I thought it would be a cold day in Hell before I would be ready. After our talk yesterday, I thought more about it. Just before I got home, I realized that if my "Highter Power" can forgive someone, I can do it too. I said a little prayer and let it go. I got home at 6:15, decided to take a "little nap" and woke up at 4:45 this morning after the best night's sleep I had gotten in a long time. This morning, that hurt tried to come back, but instead of getting angry over it, I felt peace and serenity.
I realize I will need to confront this person about this hurt in the very near future. I am trying to find a way to do this with love and compassion for this person. I don't expect this person to ever change. What I do hope for is that I can express this hurt, this person will have the knowledge of the hurt and maybe they can heal a hurt inside of them that caused them to hurt me in this way. Tall order? Yup! I have a feeling that the whole situation that is happening is here to not only help me but to help me teach others. No, I am not that important in the grand scheme of things, but I am always looking for the good that can come from any and all situations, no matter what they are.
During all that is happening, the "Higher Power" that I have cursed, doubted and blamed for so long has been here with me, letting me know that I am not alone. I feel a debt to my "Higher Power" for this and now realize that I need to find my "calling" to start to "Pay it forward". I don't know what that looks like, but whatever it is, I will be there to do it.
